The Beginning of Healing

When it’s time to suit up again

I do all my own photo shoots for cancer these days. I had a friend who used to come and help me document it all, for my boys. That was in 2019. I think I lost her…

I had two childhood friends, chemo cheerleaders. We parted ways.

I had a private social life, and no one knew my politics. We had a huge network of friends of many different political leanings.

I threw it all away to fight for the medical freedom of my sons, and chased abandoned dreams. There’s not much left on the bucket list that isn’t just a desire for a victory lap around memory lane. There’s nothing new I need to see or know.

I made peace with my faith. My soul was saved. The reward was and is more time.

Severe mercy is more than a stern forgiveness.

I think this time, I am supposed to accept the grace. Quietly, humbly, hopefully.

The show will be different this time, guys.

I’m too tired to make it look inspiring. Too sad to make it look funny.

Too veteran to hide behind a mask. A wig. An expired friendship.

I promised you before, I will not lie to you. My heart doesn’t let me, I don’t have time to pretend. I need you all to trust me. Why?

Because I have been diagnosed with Stage 4/Metastatic Breast Cancer as a result of a tumor growth in my chest wall. The tumor rapidly presented between Memorial Day and mid-July. As I made my peace with the words “incurable”, I made a promise to live each day in peaceful authenticity.

I kept the news very quiet this time. “Stage 4” hits the listener much differently. I can see the weight in your eyes and the tears you choke back. I understand there’s nothing to say.

If you want the backstory, you’ll have to visit my mealtrain and get caught up Here.

I began a regime of a targeted chemotherapy/immunotherapy combo medication called Enhertu on 8/1/22. I go for an infusion every 21 days. Forever, or until progression or overwhelming side effects, or death.

Yes, forever. That’s it. And I accept the opportunity. I will live in 21 day cycles, cling to the results of scans every 3 months.

I’ve lost much of my hair. I’m still working. Still running for Medford BOE. Still working on a superpac to fix New Jersey (The New Jersey Project), still being an active mom, average wife, and overall, I’m a NJ Mama Bear who will walk through flames to see my sons grow.

Don’t count me out yet. I win every day. I keep fucking going. And when I get too tired to fight, I will lay down and rest and let someone else fight for me.

I want to go out on my terms, my conditions. As the great Jim Calhoun says, so therefore, I’m gonna fight this.

I will give everything.